Raise your hand if you are quitter!

Diligence: careful and persistent work or effort.

Persistence: firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition.

Obstinate: stubbornly refusing to change one's opinion or chosen course of action, despite attempts to persuade one to do so.

Revised Definition of Diligence: NEVER GIVING UP NO MATTER WHAT/WHO TRIES TO SWAY YOU.

I would like to say that my moma didn't raise a quitter but I would not be telling the truth. Truth is, I have quit just about everything that I have ever started. Especially when I get bored or it gets hard. Diets? I love food and hate denying myself anything so nope...never stuck to one. Exercise? Ha! Refer to the diet issue. Exercise is hard when you are fat. Budget? I mentioned self deprivation isn't my strong point right? Now some of you may say my character is lacking because of my quitter mentality and that is ok with me. Another truth...I beat myself up quite a bit for it so let's just move past that ;)

In a blog post a couple of days ago about kindness I mentioned that I am a part of an online book club over at The Time Warp Wife. The topic this week is diligence.

It is tough being diligent and a quitter at the same time huh? In case you are wondering...the answer is YES!

In this life, in my marriage, in raising my children I am going to have to take on the virtue of diligence. It could possibly become a matter of life and death. I know that sounds a little extreme to some but it is the truth. It is the truth of my heart.

My marriage has so many distractions these days. Cell phones, TV, Internet, "The Man Cave", the budget (or lack of one), TBall practice, supper to cook, a house to clean, 2 jobs, 4 kids, friends, different opinions and the list goes on and on. Without that diligence to make it work we could get so lost. That is so scary to me. It scares me enough to dump that quitter mentality. It scares me enough to realize that we MUST manage those distractions. Is it realistic to board up the man cave, shut off the internet? Of course not, but it is realistic to manage those things. It is realistic to put down the cell phone and miss a basketball game or two in order to look each other in the face and remember why we are here. To love each other...to raise our babies...to instill trust in the fact that WE are the important part of this life..to remind each other that intimacy is a must!

This goes so far beyond the quick I love you with a hug and kiss on the way out the door. It goes beyond the emails and text messages that say "Grab some milk on your way home. Love ya". Beyond the when the kids get older or the one days and some days. This is the right here...right now...before it's too late.

I commit that as a grown up, God loving, married to the greatest man I know woman that I will be diligent. My marriage will come first. YES-even before my 4 littles because when my 4 littles are all grown up I don't want to look at my husband and wonder who he is. Where our life went and when he turned into the man in front of me. I don't want to be looking at a stranger with whom I have nothing in common anymore.

I commit that he will come right after God. He will be the one I pray for first. The one I consider first. He will inspire me.

Because I love him...

Because I am committed to him...

Because I am called by God...

I will be diligent...I will not be distracted...I will not quit!

Wrath, Pride and Gentleness

There really is nothing like a good chastising from God first thing on a Thursday morning now is there? I don't know what you call your interactions with God when he is offering you correction and guidance. I don't know if you refer to it as a whipping, a good talking to or a gentle nudge but regardless of what you call it-it is the sweetest thing because there is a lesson to be learned. Today he used one of my favorite authors, Lysa Turkuerst, to open my heart to some things going on in my life and I must say I am so thankful that he did.

I read a post about conflict resolution (fun right?) and it brought to mind an issue that Emilee and I had a couple of nights ago(if you are knew here Emilee is my sweet 14 year old daughter).

Without going into to much detail, she was struggling with some issues in our everyday family life, school, etc. and was talking to me about them. I reacted with defensiveness and immediately felt the need to prove her wrong and me right. About 10 minutes into this I remembered that this was my gentle, hurt, sweet little girl and I needed to put down my weapons and LISTEN to her and thank God that I did.

The situation was immediately diffused and a great talk resulted but today God is really showing me some other steps that I should have taken with her.

I think back to that night-her tears, her hearts cry and my absent gentleness, my immediate harsh response and it hurts my heart. I don't want to have to regret my reactions. I don't want to have to sit and wonder how much damage I did to our relationship. I should have been the adult and realized the pain that was there. I should have immediately acknowledged her hurt and comforted her with a hug and allowed her to lean on me until she was ready to talk. That is what a moma does right? Parenting is hard y'all and this moma is still learning. Looking back, I don't remember many hugs and touching moments filled with sweet background music when I was growing up. Not that my parents didn't love me because they did (and still do) but we just weren't a huggy, touchy feely family. During times like these I wish it came second nature to me because what my sweet girl needed was her moma's arms around her.

Truth is...what every hurting person needs is someone's arms around them FIRST. First, before the conflict is ever discussed they need to know that no matter what is said or not said that LOVE comes first and LOVE conquers everything.

But that night I failed...that night is a lesson I am learning. That night has lead me here.

In the blog post I referred to earlier, three scriptures were referenced and I hear them all the time. God brings them to my remembrance alot but I choose to shove them back down. Today I am really letting them sink deep into my heart and am tucking them away for the next moment :)

1. Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” That one is obvious to me. Had my reaction immediately been a gentle answer instead of defensiveness then we both would have avoided some anger and tears but I chose the hard way first. I got it eventually BUT hindsight is 20/20 right?

2. Proverbs 29:23 “Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honor” OUCH...that pride gets us every time huh? I felt that she was attacking my parenting skills, my communication ability, my past decisions and that hurt my pride because truth be told she was exactly right. How humiliating to have a 14 year old air your dirty laundry and faults and be RIGHT about it all.

3. Phillipians 4:5 “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near” This is what I feel is the most important and the part that God is dealing with me about today. When it comes to conflict resolution with anyone but especially my family, I am not only setting an example for them in the future but I am showing them God in me. If gentleness is not my reaction then what are they learning? What is my example saying about Jesus in me?

I want my immediate response to anyone, especially my family, to be love. I desire an open heart and open arms. My response will be a gentle word, a hug. My desire is that compassion oozes from me first even if I think the hurt is petty and silly. Jesus loves and comforts every situation. Jesus doesn't say "Suck it up. I can't believe you are upset about that." Jesus says for us to come to him if we are burdened and find his rest in him. If Jesus is me and I am him then shouldn't that be my attitude as well?

My response will turn away wrath. I will have a lowly spirit and be a gentle example.

At least that is my hope and with Jesus all things are possible.

The hobo life...

It is quite possible that only in NC do people crumble sausage and fry it in a pan and then scramble eggs in it for a mixture that we like to call a "hobo". The mixture is then put between 2 pieces of bread for a yummy sandwich. Not one person in TN has ever heard of it-not anyone that I have met anyway. However, this is totally not a post about a sandwich but more about the concept of the sandwich.

For the past few weeks my life has felt like a hobo sandwich.

A bunch of emotions thrown together in pan and mixed all up then shoved back into my heart and I have been trying really hard to make it look pretty. The thing is that I can't keep trying to make it look like something it's not. If I were to take those emotions out and really look at them they would be really ugly.

They would look like confusion, chaos, fear, unworthiness, hopelessness, lack and none of those are pretty little Jesus girl emotions. Are they?

I have met so many people that feel that if you are experiencing any of those emotions then you are weak and out of God's will but lucky for me I am not one of those people.

You see, to me, the confusion and chaos, the fear and lack, the hopelessness..those are places of learning. Those are places of brokenness and out of brokenness comes great things. Great revelations. Out of those emotions I search for answers.

I find that these emotions scare the heck out of most people and I used to be one of those people. I would shut down like Fort Knox and put on my Jesus girl mask and pretend like everything is just fine. I would get so lost in the "I'm OK" lie that I convinced myself that I was when the God's honest truth was that I was dying inside. My spirit was screaming for my savior to bust down the door and rescue me but the sweetest thing about Jesus is that he isn't that guy. He will knock on the door but you MUST invite him in. We have to cry out to him for help.

When we refuse to look these things in the face and cry out to Jesus for answers we will continue to be stuck. Stuck in the chaos and confusion. Stuck in the place where we try to handle everything on our own. Stuck in that lie that 'We are Ok' when clearly our inside is in knots, we don't know if we are coming or going and we are slowly but surely getting angry with the one that is here for us always.

I don't if you are in that place. I don't know why you are in that place. But if you are there trust me when I say that you are in a great place. If you are tired of doing it all on your own and you are tired of faking it with the pretty smile and the "I'm ok" lie you tell yourself and others then you are almost there!

Run to the feet of Jesus. Tell him your confused, tell him you are falling apart and apart from him you are nothing but a bundle of emotions. Tell him that you are angry at him-he can handle it. Tell him that you are 2 "I'm ok"'s away from screaming.

Most importantly tell him you need him! You need him more than the very breath you breathe. Tell him that his peace makes you whole and comforts you and that you need to feel that every second of the day. Tell him that you are just a little girl that needs her heavenly daddy to believe in her. Tell him that you need him to wrap his arms around you and say "I am here and it's gonna be ok".

He loves you! He has always loved you! He will always love you!

Run to him and never look back!

Never look back until the next time life comes at you and when life comes at you remember where you found peace the last time. Remember that Jesus is there. He is always there.

Waiting...

Forget and Be...

Wow y'all. I haven't put my heart on paper since Aug. 2013! For some that may seem like nothing but to me that is huge. That's a really long time.

I asked myself today one simple question, "Why haven't you been writing?" and to honestly answer that question I would have to answer it by saying "It didn't feel important." but that answer is a lie. A lie to make myself feel better because the honest answer would be that every time I started writing I would start writing about things that have broken my heart, things that I know break the heart of God, things that break the hearts of people and I couldn't bring myself to write about those things.

I couldn't write those things because I knew all of those things defined who I was in my past. All of those things were things that labeled me unworthy just 5 years ago. Those things haunted me in my dreams. The dirty deeds that use to make up my life. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I sat behind my computer screen telling you that you shouldn't do the things I did. But here is what I have found out about all that past stuff. Here is what I should have known all along but chose to throw to the wayside because my mind told me I wasn't forgivable...

Philippians 3:13
I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins.

I would like to say that I will NEVER look back at the things that I have done but I can't. I also can't say that I will NEVER see myself through that warped mirror of shame but I can promise that I will not look as long as I used to. I can tell you that I am learning more and more everyday that it is true what they say "You can never drive forward looking out of the rear view mirror", I guess you can but it isn't very effective and you can really wreck your life.

My commitment to myself today is to keep pouring my heart out on paper. My commitment to myself is to stand up for what I know is right even if it is one of the wrongs I myself committed and face the consequences. Maybe it will open the door for me to tell someone my story. Tell someone what happened to my heart when I took that road.

Whatever the outcome, I am ready. 1 Corinthians 9:24 says "You’ve all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You’re after one that’s gold eternally."

I am running my race and I hope that you will run with me. If not, I hope that you will at the very least support me along the way!

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep!

Ever had something stirring in you? Something that you know is there but you just haven't been able to get the words put together to express it?

Well, I have been right there for the past couple of months. I have known that something was stirring but I just couldn't hardly put my finger on it. But then I ran into a friend yesterday and we were just chatting and I said...

"God instilled in us the desire to be pursued"...it just came out. I haven't been actually thinking about that but it is the truth.

The word says in Luke 15:4 "Suppose one of you had a hundred sheep and lost one. Wouldn’t you leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness and go after the lost one until you found it? When found, you can be sure you would put it across your shoulders, rejoicing, and when you got home call in your friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Celebrate with me! I’ve found my lost sheep!’ Count on it—there’s more joy in heaven over one sinner’s rescued life than over ninety-nine good people in no need of rescue." It goes on to say the same thing in the next verse and then into the verses about the prodigal son.

Do we do that though? Do we go look for that one lost sheep? The scripture actually says it is one "sinner" that is rescued so shouldn't we go after the saints as well. Shouldn't we pursue, search for that one friend, that one church member, that one co-worker that has lost their way in the wilderness?

So many times we get so caught up in what's happening in our circle that we forget to get outside of it. Why? It is uncomfortable? It makes us vulnerable? Our circle is our comfort zone and leaving that sets us up for all types of things and that is scary but c'mon people! God's grace is sufficient. He will be right there with you! DO IT.

I think about the people that I have watched walk out of my life. It makes me sad not because they are no longer there but because I didn't care enough to pursue them. I might have called them once or twice but after being rejected I just got offended and let them go but what could have happened if I have just made myself a little uncomfortable? Died to myself and stretched? I could have been rejected again OR I could have been the one that God used to break the wall that was built up to keep hurt out.

GOD INSTILLED IN US A DESIRE TO BE PURSUED.

That desire alone will change a persons heart. When someone knows that someone else has an interest in them, regardless of who it is, a teacher, a person of the opposite sex, a best friend, a pastor, a congregation member, an employer, it does something to their heart. It reminds them that they are important to someone. It reminds them that they are ok. They are loved. Now, I know that no one should count on anyone but God to do that for them but we are here, on this earth, and need that every once in a while.

As I was praying about this I thought about John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." He doesn't follow it up with unless they struggle with something, unless they leave your presence, unless they decide....NO! He say LAY down his life. LAY in the present tense-do it everyday!

I know there are the verses that we use to not do this. I have done it myself. I remember when a lady that I talked to a regular basis decided that she needed a "break" from her life which included me! I tried to talk to her and was shut down every time which, of course, hurt my feelings, hurt my ego and my pride so I responded with "Jesus said that if you try to preach in your home town and people don't listen dust off your feet and move on so that is what I am doing". Shame on me!!

I should have never given up!

Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

If you look around your life and see that someone is missing...pursue them! Chase them! Search for them! Bring them back! Leave the flock and find the one lost sheep that is wandering around in the wilderness! When you are greeted with rejection-remember that hurting people hurt people. It's not about YOU. It's about bringing them to a place of safety. It's reminding them that someone loves them and it is reminding us to love like Jesus! Isn't that what we are called to do? Be the church? Love like Jesus? What if Jesus only hung out with the disciples? Better yet-what if Peter decided to get squirrely and wander off, do you think Jesus would have said "eeehhh, I don't have time to fool with Peter! If he wants to go let him go, another disciple will come along."

How absurd is that? No, Jesus would have reached out to Peter! and not in a half ditched effort to ease his conscience or save face. He would have truly reached out. He would have loved Peter!

Matthew 5:14-16 says that we are to be the light of the world.

It's time that we do that! We need to be the light of the world and shine! Show people that our light is a beacon of safety and if they follow it-they will be safe too.

Love doesn't give up! We shouldn't either!

Why?

Someone asked me the other day why I blog. I didn't really have an answer for her. My only answer was I don't know really. Sometimes I just have something to say! But then she made me think...Why do I blog? Here is my answer!

I blog for this woman:

She is my mom! I have learned so much from her just by watching her. She taught me to stand up for myself and believe in myself. I didn't do either of those things for a very long time but lately I hear her voice in a lot that I do.

I blog for these people:

It never ceases to amaze me that I learn the most from them. The everyday life lessons that most people miss I learn just by watching my family grow. God uses every single day as a lesson. Those lessons I blog about so that maybe I can help someone else.

But mostly I blog for this girl right here:

This woman is me! I have a past, a present and a future that I am learning to embrace. God has given me a calling and a purpose and I intend to live it. Part of that calling is to minister to women and this is just one outlet. I am learning so much about being a woman, a mom, a daughter, a friend and an obedient follower of God.

I blog because it brings my heart joy to have someone say "I read your blog and it was just what I needed". I blog because I feel that God tells me to reach out in this forum to spread his love and his word and I want to be obedient to him. I blog because I have a passion for the heart of women. All types of women move my heart, the single moms staring into loneliness every night, the moms that stare into chaos most days, the single women waiting for mr. right and wondering if God is playing a cruel joke on them because he hasn't come along yet and the young women that need guidance from someone other than Miley, Brittany and Ferrah.

I blog because I know that God loves me and I want you to know that he loves you too!

Fresh Fruit

Good Morning y'all.

I am writing this blog post while sitting on my front porch watching my little play and it is heavenly. Even though the grass is wet, he is still out there playing, playing, playing without a care in the world. Wouldn't that be a great state of mind to live in all.the.time? To be like children right??

That is what the word says...be like little children! Matthew 18:3 Then he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven."

But how do we turn from our sins? Isn't that the hard part? The big sins are pretty easy to turn from. You know the big ones...

No Stealing
No Murder
No Adultry
No Idols
No Meanness (to your momma & daddy)
No Wanting Your Neighbors Stuff
No Ugly Use of God's Name
No Hard Work On Sundays
God has to come first
No Lying on Your Neighbors

But what about the little ones? You know the little ones too...

Worry
Doubt
Fear
Lack
Disobedience

Those are the ones that really get me ya know? The one that gets me the most though is DISOBEDIENCE. I am not talking about blatant disobedience here either. I am talking about partial obedience.

It makes me think about a bowl of fresh fruit.


Our life is like that bowl of fruit. We are going along in our life happy and fresh and pretty. We are going to work, school, church and living a Godly life. We are doing the right things. God tells us to do something and we do it (or most of it) but then we turn around and we find this.



We find this rotten bowl of fruit. We aren't sure when or what caused the fruit to rot but it did. There are fruit flies all in the house to prove it. You know, those pesky little fruit flies. 9 times out of 10 we will find that it isn't so much SIN that caused the fruit to rot but more it is partial obedience to God. God tells us to do something and we do it but we don't do it completely.

I have a perfect example of this:
God told me years ago that I should have my daughter cut ties with someone in her life. This person was causing discord her beliefs. She was not a good influence. Her family was very intrusive on us. She was very persuasive in ways that teens shouldn't know about. I did have her cuts ties with this person BUT I still allowed her to be her friend on Facebook. I still allowed her to text her. The only "Obedient" part was that I would not allow sleep overs. Well, this partial disobedience not only caused discord in my family but also put my little girl in a situation that was very unhealthy.

What do we do when we find the bowl of rotten fruit? We throw it out right? We get rid of it because those pesky fruit flies are the pits. But have you ever had a piece of rotten fruit in your house? Even after the fruit has been thrown out those fruit flies hang out a bit.

When we figure out the cause of the fruit flies (the rotten fruit) we get rid of it.

Just like in my situation above, I figured out that in order to get rid of the rotten fruit I had to be 100% obedient to what God said. "Cut all ties with this person" That meant ALL TIES. That meant Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter and any other contact out there. Which is what we did BUT guess what?

The fruit flies of that rotten fruit were still out there...

The feelings of lack, the fear, the unworthiness, the lack of trust. All of those things that this one little bit of rotten fruit created was there flying around.

It took a little bit for those fruit flies to die. It took a lot of prayer. It took some wisdom on both of our parts. It took a lot of love and today they are gone.

The children of Israel were no different. God told them over and over again to do things and they only did part of it. It caused a vicious cycle for them. They would be given a command: have a fresh bowl of fruit (have the army kill everyone in the city) but they would only be partially obedient: fruit is rotting (army kills only men: allow women and children to live) what happens? FRUIT FLIES (the women and children wreck havoc on beliefs of everyone because they shouldn't be in the camp).

What a mess!!

BE OBEDIENT. God's commands to us are for our good. 100% obedience is a must people.

Partial obedience get us nothing but rotten fruit and fruit flies...be obedient. Don't worry about the consequences that men may bring because of you being obedient to God. Being obedient to God can be scary sometimes but the outcome is always better than the momentary fear. Just do it. The rewards are phenomenal. Don't believe me? Believe God. Try it out. He will show you :)

As for me and my house...we want fresh fruit...we will be obedient to the Lord.

Wondering eyes...

Do you ever wonder if your kids pay you any attention? Well I did. I have often thought about the little things. For example: Do they notice that I wear a lot of blue and that is one of my favorite colors? Do they notice that I would prefer to have a bowl of cereal for supper than pork chops, mashed potatoes, etc but I cook that for them? Do they notice that even though I blame them for making us run late in the mornings that it is really me? :)

For Mother's Day this year, the hubby tells my girls that maybe they should get me a BAM gift card. But instead I received 2 really pretty hanging baskets for the front porch. They are beautiful and I love them. What I love most is that the girls noticed that I have been really trying to make my front porch look homey. I have been admiring others front porches for several months and commenting on how cute they are.



Then Alyssa said something to me that blew me away. She said to me, "Mom, are you sure you are ok with the flowers? I haven't seen you get caught up in a good book in long time."

She is looking. She is watching. She is taking me in...my actions, my words, my beliefs.

I am more aware now. I am more aware of what I am doing. I am more aware of my actions.

She is 15. Her sister is 13. Her brother is 3.

They are all watching. I pray that I am the example they need. I pray that they see the God loving mom that I long to be. Sometimes I am concerned that it is too late for them. I have already damaged their opinion of me but then I find notes that say "I find myself more and more like my mom and I couldn't be more proud" and that makes me proud.

But am I being something that they can be proud of?

Sometimes I don't think I am. Sometimes I find myself being exactly what they need. Sometimes I find myself lacking but every.single.time I find God taking up the slack. Being the bridge that fills in the gap. Turning my ashes to beauty. Building me up in their eyes. It's like they look at me and don't see the flaws. They don't see the weakness and I know they see me through God's eyes.

For that I am so thankful. For that I will be forever grateful. For that I will praise God. For that I will have peace.

Always remember...they are watching!

Weakness

The American Heritage dictionary defines weakness as a personal defect or failing. I think I agree.

Some may or may not know that I have this fear of stepping out alone. By that I mean, if I am meeting someone at a restaurant I will sit in my car until they get there so I do not have to go in alone. As a teenager if I were going to meet people somewhere I always had my mom wait until I KNEW someone else was there so we could walk in together.

I wish I could say that it was because "there is safety in numbers" or it was some other rational reason but that's not the case. Truth is I was always afraid that I would be the ONLY one to show up and I would have to be there alone. There is this thing about being somewhere alone. What will people think if I am eating alone? Will they pity me? If I am sitting alone will people think I have no friends. It's scary people. Really scary!

Don't get me wrong...put me in the spotlight and I will rock it like no other. I will rock it simply because it is intentional. I am supposed to be alone in the spotlight.

Back to my stepping out alone issue...

I have been on a search lately. A search for ways to step out. A search for ways to stretch myself. To fulfill my calling that God has made perfectly clear I was created for. It lead me straight to a weakness! Stepping out alone...

To be obedient it meant that I would have to step inside a room full of women that I didn't know ALONE. A room full of women that didn't know me. They didn't care who I was or where I was from. I had no friends to laugh and chat with or sit with. AND I DID IT.

I walked into the main sanctuary with my purse in hand ready to learn about Gideon. I walked into the main sanctuary with only my purse and myself and my God. It was the most awesome and scariest thing in the world.

Back to the point...when I felt that God was calling me to this bible study I didn't hesitate. I was immediately obedient. I knew in my heart that I was going and there would be nothing to stop me. What I didn't know was what the bible study about. Who the bible study was about or what all it will entail. The leader had emailed me earlier in the day so I learned that it was about Gideon but I didn't really know what about Gideon. I didn't know that when I arrived and walked into this place of aloneness that God would be there in my face gently pulling me into my weakness. Guiding me to his grace and pushing me to hold out my hand to complete strangers and say "Hi, my name is Michelle Rodgers".

I was obedient to attend...not so obedient to holding out my hand to complete strangers.

Turns out the name of the bible study is Gideon Your Weakness God's Strength. WHAT??? Not only that but next week we will break up into small groups. Not small groups of our choice either. We will be PLACED in small groups by the leader. This completely scares me! This makes me wanna cry and shout at the same time. God is moving me!

Wow...I hear ya God. I feel your gentle push!! I hear your whisper in my ear that you will be there with me. I hear you whisper that your grace is sufficient.

Together, this weakness will become my greatest strength.

Uninspired...

Lately I have been completely uninspired.

Uninspired to write. Uninspired to talk. Uninspired to make decisions. Uninspired to be inspired.

Lately I have been wondering if that is ok?

How do you find the inspiration when yours is gone?

I don't even know where to look. I don't even know if I want too.

That is a little scary.

Where have I been? Where am I going?

Well...the question seems to be "Michelle, where have you been?"

It's funny really. I am right here.

I am right here where I need to be. I am right here where I want to be.

It seems like I have been on a search again. Not a search to find me but maybe a search to find everyone else. It's not that I want to know where everyone else is. It's that I NEED to know. I need to know who is surrounding me. I need to know that my surroundings are filled with positive influences. I need to be surrounded by Godly people. People that are going to build me up.

Change is happening. I enjoy change a lot. Sometimes I know that change is scary to some people but complacency scares me even more. I cannot and will not become complacent with my life. Not with my walk with God. Not with my friendships. I want constant change. Constant growth.

Lately, I have been enjoying some solitude with my family. I have discovered that I LOVE just spending time with them doing NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. Grilling on Sunday afternoons and playing ball outside with Jase. We sit on the front porch and talk about anything that comes to mind. We sit silently for as long as possible in the hopes that a rabbit or a deer will sneak up on us and we can watch them play. That is hard for my little one but he manages sometimes not to laugh. We don't really care about seeing the animals. It is just something to bring some laughter to that front porch. It is part of the change. Learning to be content with your family. Not needing to be influenced by anyone else. Teaching my children that friends may come and go but we (their parents and siblings) will ALWAYS be there. That is harder for the teenagers but something that I want them to know forever. I want them to stop looking outward and around at others. I want them to start looking inward for their answers and start seeking the advice of their parents.

Just like them, I need to stop looking around at others for acceptance and guidance and accept myself and look inward to hear my fathers voice. Seek his voice in the chaos known as life. Seek his influence amoung the worldly.

So you see, I know exactly where I am. My question is "Where are you?"

5MF-Home

Go...

What is home to me?

I remember setting up a tent in the yard on Saturday for a birthday slumber party. Maybe it was my 10th or 11th and I had been allowed to go to an ALL NIGHT SKATE on Friday night. I remember having water balloon fights that left me with endless giggles and scars on my elbows. I remember a patch of dirt between the trees in the side yard where my little would play. A pink huffy bicycle that my brother used to learn to ride with no training wheels. A horse that was relentless and left me upside down holding on for dear life.

All of these are memories that I have of home.

The only home I remember where my parents were happy. They loved each other. I think back then the liked each other too. They slept in the same bed. They smiled and laughed. Home to me is that white house on the corner. I go back there every.single.time I make a trip to NC. I go there ALOT in my dreams.

In those dreams, the house is so different. Just as our lives changed, so did the house.

That is home to me. That is also a place I will never be able to go again.

Stop...

Confession: I went over 45 seconds :)

Letting Go...

I got my feelings hurt today. You know the kind of hurt feelings where you have the lump in your throat and you fight the tears for hours. The hurt feelings that come from nowhere. The hurt feelings that could have been avoided completely with a simple discussion.

The discussion didn't happen. The feeling were hurt. The tears came even through the avid fight that I fought.

I was told to "Toughen up". I know I should. I know I shouldn't let hurting people hurt me but I can't help it. When someone does something deliberately to you, you just can't help it.

I do not like this emotion. This feeling of betrayal. This feeling of shame. This feeling of holding back when I really want to let go. Not the let go and let God kind of let go but the "Why did you feel that you needed to do this to me SCREAM and release of the tears kind of let go"

Instead, I am letting God heal my heart. Instead, I will love. I will not be angry. I will smile until my emotions are under control. I will forgive.

I will let go.

“It is impossible but that offenses will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!” Luke 17:1

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

“Put on therefore, as the elect of God, … mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, long suffering; forebearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts. …” (Col. 3:12–13, 15.)

A.N.G.R.Y.

Ever had one of THOSE mornings?

I had one this very morning! I woke up mad at the world and everyone in it. I can't tell you why. Maybe it's "that time of the month" or I woke up on "the wrong side of the bed" either way...

I.WAS.ANGRY.

I was angry because...

We only have ONE bathroom and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I am in there for anything I am interrupted.

Jase didn't want to get dressed this morning so I showed him with a spanking and ruined his morning too.

My boots kept sinking in the stupid mud because my yard is ALWAYS wet and muddy.

I have 3 stinky bags of trash in my van because since we moved we have NO.TRASH.PICKUP.

I forgot my phone so I had to trapes through the mud TWICE.

I have a run in my pantyhose (yes it matters even if I am wearing pants).

I want ONE day...just ONE day...to clean my house from top to bottom and then another day that I can rest! Just rest.

I want to be able to go buy something without worrying if it will overdraw our account.

I.WANT.A.HAIRCUT. and not a cheap one from a stranger. I want to go to Seventh Ave Salon and let Shany Holcomb shampoo, cut and style me.

I want supper to cook itself then clean up its own dishes.

I want today to be Friday.

I want the monotony of life to STOP and the spontaneity to kick in.

I want to go to bed and start all over!!!

More than anything else I am angry because most of you read my first sentence and assumed that I didn't count my blessing before I got angry but I did.

I sure did and I am thankful. I am grateful for my family, my house, my life, my job, all my second chances and the wonderfulness of the Father but today...today..

I.AM.ANGRY.

and you know what? I will get over it because tomorrow is a new day!

5MF-Afraid

Time to link up again with Gypsy Mama for Five Minute Friday. It's so easy. Grab the button, blog for 5 minutes and share!

Let's go...

Afraid...when I think of that word I automatically think about literal fear. Fear of spiders, the dark, heights, etc but let's get real right now.

What am I really afraid of?

*failure

*someone finding out that in June of 2009 I did the unthinkable and until last year, what I felt unforgivable.

*not being accepted

*my kids not being able to succeed in life due to my lack of parenting skills

*being alone

*not ever having an intimate relationship with Jesus

*never letting go and truely worshipping my God

*speaking up (I know to some that is a funny statement but trust me, when it's important to me I HOLD BACK)

Well, there ya have it. Some of my inner fears that I hate owning up too or even admitting.

Anyone else have these issues?

Time's up!

Happy Friday

Choices

I saw this photo today on Pintrest and boy did it strike a nerve. You see originally it said "You were given this life because you are stong enough to handle it". The lines through the last part are mine.

Can I just say that it struck a nerve. I don't mean I got a little riled up. I mean I was A.N.G.R.Y. I was angry for several different reasons.

1. You are given this life because YOU MADE CHOICES.

2. Why does today society refuse to take responsiblity for those choices?

3. It is so unfair, not to mention wrong, to blame God for what is going on in your life. Maybe it wasn't YOUR choices that put you in your situation but it certainly wasn't HIS.

This may be more of a rant than a blogpost because I am finding that I am passionate about this.

I think about my life and some of the choices that I have made and all the people I could blame for my place in this journey but you know what???? I CHOSE to take this road. It was my CHOICE. I can promise you that God never intended for me to struggle financially, look shame in the face and take it on, feel rejection all the way to my core and he certainly did not give me a time of sorrow because I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT. No, my choices gave me those times in my life but because of my FAITH in GOD I was strong enough to handle it. Because I knew that he never left my side no matter how low I sank, I was able to rise up out of that.

I know it is easier to blame someone else for where you are. I know it is a whole lot less painful to point the finger and say that it is "God's Will" for you when you mess up. I know that sometimes playing the martyr feeds the ego but I also know that NONE of those things will create an overcomer! None of those EXCUSES will bring you to a place of joy. You will continue to struggle. You will continue to go around and around and around the same issues! Let's be the conqueror's we are called to be people!

I would bet my life, yes MY LIFE, that GOD does not get his way all the time. He is NOT in control of everything. If that was the case do you really think that EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON wouldn't be saved? That is why he sent his son. Don't believe me? Read John 3:16 for yourself. It doesn't say so that a few would know his son...he said so that THE WORLD would know his son. Pretty sure that means EVERYONE. Do you think if God controlled all of our actions that the abortion clinics would still be killing babies EVERY.SINGLE.SECOND.? I don't think so. There would be no children starving, no women raped, no men murdered, no tornados, hurricanes, tsunami or any other natural disasters...life would for sure be unicorns and rainbows.

So, before you think that picture that was posted on pintrest is cute, before your repin it, before you buy into that prideful statement... you need to remember that you are given this life because you chose it not because you are stong enough to handle it.

I think it should read "I was given this life because of the choices I made. I am conquering my mistakes because I know Jesus!"

Just sayin'

Pantry Make-Over

Well...I am not really sure why I am blogging about this.

Maybe because everyone else does? Maybe because I am proud of my pantry and the work I put into it? Regardless, I am posting pictures and telling how I did it...just for me!

About 2 rent checks ago we moved into an old farmhouse out on the Ridge in Baxter. This house is very cramped for my family of 5 but I love it. It is quaint. It is cute. It is charming. It is OLD. I don't think it has been updated in 15 years so I am starting with a bare slate to say the least.

Since we are digging out of a money hole I have limited resources to update this house and don't want to dump money into something we don't own.

I had noticed a post about organizing pantries from A Bowl Full of Lemons and thought WHY NOT?

I am taking ideas as I need them.


Now I am not nearly as extravagant as she is but here it goes...

BEFORE is kinda sad and blah huh?

But AFTER is cute and sassy (at least I think so)

All I did is throw some contact paper used for shelving up in the back and used things I had at the house! Didn't cost me one penny. Now that is redecorating on a dime!

If I could just get the hubby to agree to remove the doors I would be happy! It still needs a little work but Hey, gotta start somewhere :)

Redo yours and share the pics with me...

Again...

Come blog with us! Five Minutes to type! A couple mintues to link up! A day full of interesting reads! A lifetime of lessons!

Let's Go...

I discovered that Kim Walker-Smith has a new album out.

I think it called "Still Believe". Anyway, there is a song on this album called "Healing Oil".

I have listened to it again and again and again.

I discovered it Wednesday and am sure I have listened to it 6,897,654 times.

"I can feel your healing oil running down my brow. I wouldn't trade another lifetime for how I feel right now".

Here is the thing...I don't feel his healing oil running down my brow but I want to.

I long for that feeling again. I listen hoping that maybe I will feel it. What will it feel like?

Will it feel like a bug crawling down my face? Will it be an emotion in my heart? Will it be tears streaming down my face? Will it be uncontrollable shouting? Running?

Maybe it will be a silent whisper. A still small voice?

I will continue to listen. Again and again until I feel that healing oil. It brings such peace to me. Just listening to the words. Closing my eyes and getting lost in the voice reminding me that he is the miracle maker.

Perhaps that in itself is the healing oil. The knowing that he is the miracle maker. Knowing that he holds my heart in his hand. That is wants to be in my presence as much I want to be in his.

Yes, I will listen again and again...

Emotional

Broken, Beat down, Defeated

Heartache, Confusion, Chaos

Loneliness, Finality, Torn

Loss, Disappointment, Depression

Rejection, Unhappiness, Abandonment

Burden, Relief, Deception

Harrassment, Torment, Fear

Adoption, Divorce, Freedom

and none of this is my burden to bear

Failure-Covered in Grace

How do we really measure either one?

What if we never really fail but only find ways that don't work.

What if everything in life is viewed as a success just a different levels.

I honestly feel like failure is a state of mind and in my mind I am ALWAYS most times a huge success in all things!

That is only true because I am COVERED.IN.GRACE.

Happy Monday!