Wednesday, September 19, 2012
This could possibly be the toughest blog post I have ever written. Why? Because it will be real and reveal weaknesses I have been hiding for YEARS but God is big enough to love me through it so I am good :)
Over the years I have learned I am a detailed person. When I tell you a story you will get every little detail. Who wore what. Who brought what to a party and the color of the plate it was on. Every little detail will be revealed making a 2 minute story into a 15 minute story. For others like me, it is a great thing but for those that just don't care...well, they hate hearing my stories! HA!
This information is only important because as of late I found myself in such a mind torturing, emotional wrenching dilema. In today's world, 2 unemployment checks doesn't cover much. Groceries, gas, electric, rent...you understand? But, up until a couple of weeks ago we were coasting through. Living life and doing what normal families do until we SMACKED HARD right into the financial wall. That wall had the biggest writing on it ever. It said clearly...YOU.DON'T.HAVE.ENOUGH!
At first I didn't panic. I knew God would take care of it. I am a believer. I am a tither. I am a teacher at church. I forgive others. I serve. I love others. You know all that good stuff.
But as time was closing in...the panic was closing in. But you know what? It all worked out. I believed and God worked it out. The next week came and all of our money was budgeted to the penny. I mean to the penny folks. ONE misstep and it was OVER. Get this...Tuesday morning NO UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK....Can you see the wall ahead? Cause I could....plain as day! It was over! Not gonna happen! Bills were NOT gonna get paid this month and it was the biggie! RENT...our home, our shelter, our safe place! I guess the reason for my reaction is because it was our rent but I don't know. I don't know about the why but I do know about the reaction.
My reaction was very, very emotional. All sorts of emotions that I wasn't even aware that I had. ANGER, FAILURE, DISAPPOINTMENT, LET DOWN, HOPELESS, ABANDONED and all of these things were pointed right at God. I could not believe that I had skated through that first trial only to be thrown another one...REALLY? I mean come on! I felt as though all that good stuff I did like tithing, believing, teaching was for nothing. NOTHING. If God would desert me at such a time as this when I needed him so much, it was all useless! If he couldn't simply align the stars so that the unemployment check would be deposited on time then how on earth could he watch over my life, my kids, my marriage! YES. I WENT THERE!! Straight there...I didn't pass go and well, I didn't collect $200.00 because if I had then I wouldn't have had a problem! LOL Not funny right?
Believe it or not, I have learned some things along my walk with God although the above paragraph would lead you to believe otherwise. I learned that he is big enough to take our frustrations. I learned that he is big enough to take a tongue lashing and he will not punish me for actually feeling the emotions that He instilled in me.
I have also learned some practical applications to this God walk as well. Like, go to the throne, not the phone! Renew your mind in the word! Know the scriptures that contain the promises that relate to your situation! I started the process! But during that process I found that it wasn't enough to control the emotions. The worry! The crying! The anger!
It's important to me that I include the details of the days that followed only because I am a detailed driven person. I can tell you story after story that I have heard where it contains an outcome like above...like this "It all worked out. I believed and God worked it out." That's a great story! That's a great outcome! BUT...what happened during the chaotic mess? You rarely hear about the emotions that follow. You rarely hear about the chaoes in someone's mind during a trial and that is where I was. I needed to know that my emotions were ok. The fact that I had an emotional reaction is the reason I felt like such a failure. In my mind, trusting God meant that I didn't react in a negative way when a trial came. I shouldn't have an ounce of fear. My expectation was that the statement "Don't let it steal your joy" meant that in all trials and tests that I would be a solid rock and smile my way through and maintain that giddy happiness with no worry, no fear, no tears, no emotions. I had been taught that emotions were OK. They are a gauge to show you where you are in your beliefs! They were OK as long as they didn't dictate your life and they were DICTATING my life at the moment. Guess what? I FAILED that emotional test but I thank GOD for that emotional test at the same time. It's funny because as I type this I cry and laugh. I have never been so happy to fail a test before. To finally understand that I do trust God but my faith is weak. I do believe that God is my provider but I don't have the truths written on my heart. Every promise is potentially mine but I haven't let the Holy Spirit reveal them to me and without revelation I may as well use those pages containing the promises as kindling.
Those are the details that were missing. It's ok to cry when you feel stressed because it cleanses and releases the hormones needed to deal with the stress. It doesn't mean you are weak because you are fearful while you are waiting for the answer as long as you stand on the promise that the answer WILL come! I didn't know that. I didn't know that even someone that has walked with God for years and years could be fearful and rock solid at the same time.
It was a tough lesson to learn and one that I am still learning but I have found that surrounding me are fountains of knowledge. I am surrounded by people that love me and I can trust them to give me wise advice because they have gone through the trials and tests and came through to the other side. They trust me enough to be vulnerable and share their details. They guide me in the path of God and for that I will be forever grateful.
By the way...I believed and God worked it out!