Thursday, May 30, 2013

Wondering eyes...

Do you ever wonder if your kids pay you any attention? Well I did. I have often thought about the little things. For example: Do they notice that I wear a lot of blue and that is one of my favorite colors? Do they notice that I would prefer to have a bowl of cereal for supper than pork chops, mashed potatoes, etc but I cook that for them? Do they notice that even though I blame them for making us run late in the mornings that it is really me? :)

For Mother's Day this year, the hubby tells my girls that maybe they should get me a BAM gift card. But instead I received 2 really pretty hanging baskets for the front porch. They are beautiful and I love them. What I love most is that the girls noticed that I have been really trying to make my front porch look homey. I have been admiring others front porches for several months and commenting on how cute they are.

Then Alyssa said something to me that blew me away. She said to me, "Mom, are you sure you are ok with the flowers? I haven't seen you get caught up in a good book in long time."

She is looking. She is watching. She is taking me actions, my words, my beliefs.

I am more aware now. I am more aware of what I am doing. I am more aware of my actions.

She is 15. Her sister is 13. Her brother is 3.

They are all watching. I pray that I am the example they need. I pray that they see the God loving mom that I long to be. Sometimes I am concerned that it is too late for them. I have already damaged their opinion of me but then I find notes that say "I find myself more and more like my mom and I couldn't be more proud" and that makes me proud.

But am I being something that they can be proud of?

Sometimes I don't think I am. Sometimes I find myself being exactly what they need. Sometimes I find myself lacking but every.single.time I find God taking up the slack. Being the bridge that fills in the gap. Turning my ashes to beauty. Building me up in their eyes. It's like they look at me and don't see the flaws. They don't see the weakness and I know they see me through God's eyes.

For that I am so thankful. For that I will be forever grateful. For that I will praise God. For that I will have peace.

Always remember...they are watching!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


The American Heritage dictionary defines weakness as a personal defect or failing. I think I agree.

Some may or may not know that I have this fear of stepping out alone. By that I mean, if I am meeting someone at a restaurant I will sit in my car until they get there so I do not have to go in alone. As a teenager if I were going to meet people somewhere I always had my mom wait until I KNEW someone else was there so we could walk in together.

I wish I could say that it was because "there is safety in numbers" or it was some other rational reason but that's not the case. Truth is I was always afraid that I would be the ONLY one to show up and I would have to be there alone. There is this thing about being somewhere alone. What will people think if I am eating alone? Will they pity me? If I am sitting alone will people think I have no friends. It's scary people. Really scary!

Don't get me wrong...put me in the spotlight and I will rock it like no other. I will rock it simply because it is intentional. I am supposed to be alone in the spotlight.

Back to my stepping out alone issue...

I have been on a search lately. A search for ways to step out. A search for ways to stretch myself. To fulfill my calling that God has made perfectly clear I was created for. It lead me straight to a weakness! Stepping out alone...

To be obedient it meant that I would have to step inside a room full of women that I didn't know ALONE. A room full of women that didn't know me. They didn't care who I was or where I was from. I had no friends to laugh and chat with or sit with. AND I DID IT.

I walked into the main sanctuary with my purse in hand ready to learn about Gideon. I walked into the main sanctuary with only my purse and myself and my God. It was the most awesome and scariest thing in the world.

Back to the point...when I felt that God was calling me to this bible study I didn't hesitate. I was immediately obedient. I knew in my heart that I was going and there would be nothing to stop me. What I didn't know was what the bible study about. Who the bible study was about or what all it will entail. The leader had emailed me earlier in the day so I learned that it was about Gideon but I didn't really know what about Gideon. I didn't know that when I arrived and walked into this place of aloneness that God would be there in my face gently pulling me into my weakness. Guiding me to his grace and pushing me to hold out my hand to complete strangers and say "Hi, my name is Michelle Rodgers".

I was obedient to attend...not so obedient to holding out my hand to complete strangers.

Turns out the name of the bible study is Gideon Your Weakness God's Strength. WHAT??? Not only that but next week we will break up into small groups. Not small groups of our choice either. We will be PLACED in small groups by the leader. This completely scares me! This makes me wanna cry and shout at the same time. God is moving me!

Wow...I hear ya God. I feel your gentle push!! I hear your whisper in my ear that you will be there with me. I hear you whisper that your grace is sufficient.

Together, this weakness will become my greatest strength.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


Lately I have been completely uninspired.

Uninspired to write. Uninspired to talk. Uninspired to make decisions. Uninspired to be inspired.

Lately I have been wondering if that is ok?

How do you find the inspiration when yours is gone?

I don't even know where to look. I don't even know if I want too.

That is a little scary.