I asked myself today one simple question, "Why haven't you been writing?" and to honestly answer that question I would have to answer it by saying "It didn't feel important." but that answer is a lie. A lie to make myself feel better because the honest answer would be that every time I started writing I would start writing about things that have broken my heart, things that I know break the heart of God, things that break the hearts of people and I couldn't bring myself to write about those things.
I couldn't write those things because I knew all of those things defined who I was in my past. All of those things were things that labeled me unworthy just 5 years ago. Those things haunted me in my dreams. The dirty deeds that use to make up my life. What kind of hypocrite would I be if I sat behind my computer screen telling you that you shouldn't do the things I did. But here is what I have found out about all that past stuff. Here is what I should have known all along but chose to throw to the wayside because my mind told me I wasn't forgivable...
Philippians 3:13
I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins.
I would like to say that I will NEVER look back at the things that I have done but I can't. I also can't say that I will NEVER see myself through that warped mirror of shame but I can promise that I will not look as long as I used to. I can tell you that I am learning more and more everyday that it is true what they say "You can never drive forward looking out of the rear view mirror", I guess you can but it isn't very effective and you can really wreck your life.
My commitment to myself today is to keep pouring my heart out on paper. My commitment to myself is to stand up for what I know is right even if it is one of the wrongs I myself committed and face the consequences. Maybe it will open the door for me to tell someone my story. Tell someone what happened to my heart when I took that road.
Whatever the outcome, I am ready. 1 Corinthians 9:24 says "You’ve all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You’re after one that’s gold eternally."
I am running my race and I hope that you will run with me. If not, I hope that you will at the very least support me along the way!
